initmacy

a word that used to make my skin crawl.

 

a year ago I found myself so emotionally destroyed I laid in bed welcoming death.

a lot has happened since then and as I sit here on this beautiful cold Sunday morning.......coffee in hand, sun shining on my face through the skylight I am feeling so incredibly blessed to be alive.

 

over the past 12 months I've gone through an incredible amount of searching......digging........excavation of my soul, my real inner self.

the truths I've found have been amazing, one of which has been that my entire life I have been terrified of intimacy. so terrified I have basically refused to participate in it in any way not absolutely necessary for physical survival.

and so I was dying a slow emotional death.

 

intimacy to me means being vulnerable........being honest........being close, knowing the truth about something, knowing the whole person......allowing yourself to feel and be touched emotionally and physically.

all of that makes me want to climb right out of my body and run.

I don't want anyone to know me....to touch me......to feel me. I don't want to have to feel because i'm afraid.

 

a long time ago when I was just a little naïve girl I found myself in some really hard situations and just now, 20 years later, i'm realizing that I died a little inside.

and when i died i vowed to never go to that dark place again.

i closed the door to my heart and have refused to open it until now.

padlocked shut i figured i was safe, i didn't have to worry, i would be protected.........

turns out the only thing i was protecting myself from was being happy. locked up in complete isolation for 20 years can be a very lonely place.

 

so strange how these revelations that are so absolute and so true can be hiding in our subconscious for so long

 

so........i'm starting to open.

i am chipping away at that mortar that surrounded my heart......slowly....slowly i am learning to feel, to trust and to share myself, all of myself.......the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, the beautiful, the raw, the real me...........all the tender, sensitive parts of me that i tried to hide for so long......finally i am letting them be seen.

 

my heart feels so exposed...so new.....so vulnerable

and all of that comes with all it's own glory

 

it's glorious, beautiful

raw and real