letting go of fear

fear....oh fear

 

turns out my entire adult life has been controlled by a million different forms of fear.

 

 every major decision................totally based on fear,

not faith,

or love,

or reason,

or real desire
 

but fear........

 

it crept in when I was a child and became my crutch,

my protector, my survival, my only defense.
 

somehow I thought if I could control my life in all these external ways then I could avoid all the sure pitfalls I had already mapped out in my crazy mind. 

ever since I can remember I've told myself stories........all kinds of stories

stories about what might happen, what could happen, never what's actually happening, never what's actually real right here and now.
  i'd make all these decisions based on false realities that were completely fictitious worlds my mind had conjured up
i'd make big decisions too, not just little meaningless ones.....great big change everyone's lives decisions
houses...health...kids....realtionships...money



i'm so afraid to trust.
 i'm afraid to love...to be open, vulnerable.....me

so, so afraid of ME

what if i'm wrong?
what if i'm stupid, sideways, backward?
what if i trust?
what if i let them in?

will they hurt me?
tear my heart apart?
destroy me?
 

 

and so I am learning to let go.........slowly and painfully, of the fear that controlled my every move

so...just alittle bit of me
raw
open
honest
just me...............