reality is

 

tonight was halloween.

 yesterday was my first born's 5th birthday.

and so I am now learning how to navigate life and holidays as a single mom.

I really wanted to start writing again but i'm not really sure how to describe what's happening in my life.

it's a roller coaster. it's amazing and heart wrenching all at the same time.

it's interesting because every single thing in my life has seemingly changed completely over the past couple months. I have a new job, a new place to live , a new relationship status, a new situation with my children, so it's hard to even define which thing is making me feel which way.

the hardest thing hands down is not seeing my children as much. it's going to take some major adjusting on my and the kids parts.

but......if I am honest, then you should know that i'm really happy. the circumstances right now are really hard and this is by far the biggest mess I've ever been in but i'm ok.

i'm alive and I can feel things again. i'm starting to delve deeper into who I am and what I want and that's been really really good for me.

 

 

but....it's still hard.......

I snapped this phone pic just before I took the kids out trick or treating tonight and just looking at it makes me want to cry

I want to cry because it's just me and them

I want to cry because my house doesn't yet seem like their house

they look out of place to me

just  makes me want cry

 

 

and little Milton's 5th birthday also a bittersweet celebration.

years ago I was planning big parties with elaborate decorations and now it's just me and them and a store bought cupcake.

 

somehow I am having a really hard time letting go of the fantasy but that's really all it ever was, a fantasy. I had created this make believe world in my mind that never really existed in the first place and ended up being part of the demise of my relationship.

 

I thought I wanted a certain kind of life, a life that actually wasn't mine.

I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed to have this so-called life because most of the things in it didn't even belong to me. they weren't who I was at all but I made up a story in head that I needed to be that person anyway and after years and years of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole I finally realized I couldn't do that anymore. I didn't want to do that anymore and it was killing me.

obviously one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with but also knowing the truth has set me free.

 

 

I guess that's all I have in me tonight.

i'm gonna curl up by the fire and read some before I head off to bed.

i'm really grateful for all of you who I have gotten to know over the years and who continue to love and support me through all this