surrender

 

 

my chalk board today.......

 

I've really really missed writing............i'm feeling drawn to write in this time

 

I feel like the past year was a huge process for me. a process that ultimately needed to end in surrender. I had been fighting and fighting for so many years to uphold that fantasy that i had created in my mind and i was almost willing to stop at nothing to make sure I succeeded in living in it.

until one day I woke up so far down a black hole of depression i didn't want to live anymore.

the deepest, darkest hole I had ever been in

 and i've been in the trenches many times over the years.

 

and so surrender finally came.......FINALLY

I am not one to surrender to anything. I don't like to admit defeat or that i'm wrong but I was granted the beautiful gift of desperation, true desperation

and I surrendered............completely..........for the first time in my life.

 

and so now..........now i'm awake.

 

at 36 years old i'm rediscovering who I am on a really intense level.

I am realizing that in this elaborate fantasy life I created I scripted it down to every last detail of who I thought I was. well........turns out I actually have no idea who I am......none.

don't know what kind of music I like or what kind of movies I want to see or really what direction i'm heading in at all and it's extremely refreshing actually.

I've been sleeping on the other side of the bed without ear plugs, haven't done that in 14 years. I started drinking my coffee black, because well......why not?

I started listening to all kinds of new music, reading things.......all kinds of things, watching the news. I know that one doesn't seem so abstract but I haven't watched the news in years.

the greatest part......my heart and mind are completely open for once, not jaded by some ideal of who I thought I was "supposed" to be.

every day is a new day, a fresh start, a chance to see more, feel more, and be more.

it's incredibly freeing to not be waking up and shoving myself into some premade mold. just the thought of the possibilities in each day are exciting.

 

but not everything is easy.........

it's 5:42am, cold and dark outside still and i'm drinking some coffee preparing to hand the kids off. so this part so far hasn't gotten easier in the slightest but it's my reality and if I want to keep evolving than i'll figure out how to sit through this and walk through this even though it's extremely uncomfortable.

 

it's sunday.........one of my favorite days........so another adventure begins..........