my soul.......searched

sitting here tonight..........Sunday
in front of my laptop.....all alone.......black coffee.
this is hard.....maybe the hardest post i've ever written.
where to begin? i have no idea.
how about with honesty. i want to be real. i want truth. i want transparency.
tonight i opened a box and i found a magazine i was published in a few years back. i hadn't looked at it in probably 3 years. i felt a tugging......a pull........a gravity to write again. over the past 2 years i've been so lost, so confused, so numb. i lost my voice, my passion, my sense of self.
i've been "gone" for a while, a long while. last December my life went completely sideways in a million directions. i ended up unhappier than i've ever been.
at rock bottom, i decided to delve head first into some deep, deep soul searching and the truths that i found were pretty painful.
i looked at them.......i prayed on them, i pondered about them, i contemplated them, i just sat with them for a long while. after all of that i made a decision.
the decision that i came to was that i needed space, space to myself to be able to grow emotionally and spiritually.
last week i moved into my own apartment.
the transition.......difficult, of course.
but my soul feels alive, there's a stirring in my heart and i feel a deep sense of hope......a big hope, a hope that everything isn't just going to be okay but that everything is going to be amazing.......eventually.
right now? no
but in time........yes. what the future holds i have no earthly idea but what i can tell you is that i feel more authentically me than i have in probably 20 years.
that seems a bit extreme i know but it's the truth. the way my soul has been evolving over the past few months has been amazing.......something i have never experienced actually.
i've had an awakening......
i'm alive again. the fog has lifted.  i can see clearly. i can feel deeply. 
life is messy.......sometimes the biggest messes turn into the biggest miracles, so my heart and my mind are open to whatever God sends my way.
and with that i'll say good night.