the veil is lifting

 

after what felt like a long winter of cold dark nights the glorious new mexico sun is coming out again in full force.

longer days....warmer nights

the sun on my skin is like breath into my lungs........life in my soul 

 

the last couple weeks I got back out onto the trails and ran and all I could see was god, all I could feel was god.......inside me.....outside me, everywhere.

when i'm out there god fills me

sweat on my face, sun on my back, sand in my shoes

i'm alive....

 

the past 6 months have been incredibly intense,

 indescribable really.

 the best way I can try to describe what's happening to me is like an awakening or a hatching, a veil is being lifted and my face is coming to the light

the past 15 years ive been living in a black hole surrounded by smoke and mirrors always looking over my shoulder to make sure no one really sees me.

 

as I slowly come to the surface I am starting to remember who i really am.

 i'm slipping back into my skin, a mold that is exactly me

many of the things that have been resurfacing aren't pretty and i can see so easily why i was at the bottom of a black hole for most of my adult life but i'm ready finally. i'm so ready to to live and breathe my truth and my true self

 

slowly i'm waking up and things are just clear, so clear and so simple

and so much easier to just be authentically me

i don't have to try so hard to fit in somewhere i don't actually fit.

i can just be

ohhhhhh...what a huge relief to just give myself permission to just be

 

i feel true and honest and awake

i have all these wonderful new people in my life who i can be true and honest and open with and it feels amazing

 

and it's like,"ohhhhh...there i am" i was gone for o many years and i'm finally back, back to just being me...simply me

 

about 6 weeks ago i got a treadmill for my bedroom so i can run at night after the kids are in bed and it's been a life saver. the kids and i were all sick for about 3 weeks but now that we're all feeling better I've started half marathon training again and i feel fantastic. ohhhh....how i love to run. i mean i really and truly love it.

my new place has 6 raised garden beds in the back yard so the kids and i are going to start our journey into growing a big lush garden full of wonderful food to eat. we're heading out to the nursery for a shovel and dirt today...

maybe we'll bake something chocolaty for tomorrow and then i'm off to work..

i love my new job....its incredibly rewarding on a level I've not yet experienced in my nursing career

 

so that's a little update on me for now...

oh and i got a new tattoo this week

it's so beautiful, i absolutely love it

 

it's a tribute to my career and my heart wild and free and my love for running.......

 

until next time

 

 

 

 

 



initmacy

a word that used to make my skin crawl.

 

a year ago I found myself so emotionally destroyed I laid in bed welcoming death.

a lot has happened since then and as I sit here on this beautiful cold Sunday morning.......coffee in hand, sun shining on my face through the skylight I am feeling so incredibly blessed to be alive.

 

over the past 12 months I've gone through an incredible amount of searching......digging........excavation of my soul, my real inner self.

the truths I've found have been amazing, one of which has been that my entire life I have been terrified of intimacy. so terrified I have basically refused to participate in it in any way not absolutely necessary for physical survival.

and so I was dying a slow emotional death.

 

intimacy to me means being vulnerable........being honest........being close, knowing the truth about something, knowing the whole person......allowing yourself to feel and be touched emotionally and physically.

all of that makes me want to climb right out of my body and run.

I don't want anyone to know me....to touch me......to feel me. I don't want to have to feel because i'm afraid.

 

a long time ago when I was just a little naïve girl I found myself in some really hard situations and just now, 20 years later, i'm realizing that I died a little inside.

and when i died i vowed to never go to that dark place again.

i closed the door to my heart and have refused to open it until now.

padlocked shut i figured i was safe, i didn't have to worry, i would be protected.........

turns out the only thing i was protecting myself from was being happy. locked up in complete isolation for 20 years can be a very lonely place.

 

so strange how these revelations that are so absolute and so true can be hiding in our subconscious for so long

 

so........i'm starting to open.

i am chipping away at that mortar that surrounded my heart......slowly....slowly i am learning to feel, to trust and to share myself, all of myself.......the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary, the beautiful, the raw, the real me...........all the tender, sensitive parts of me that i tried to hide for so long......finally i am letting them be seen.

 

my heart feels so exposed...so new.....so vulnerable

and all of that comes with all it's own glory

 

it's glorious, beautiful

raw and real

 

 

 

 

 

letting go of fear

fear....oh fear

 

turns out my entire adult life has been controlled by a million different forms of fear.

 

 every major decision................totally based on fear,

not faith,

or love,

or reason,

or real desire
 

but fear........

 

it crept in when I was a child and became my crutch,

my protector, my survival, my only defense.
 

somehow I thought if I could control my life in all these external ways then I could avoid all the sure pitfalls I had already mapped out in my crazy mind. 

ever since I can remember I've told myself stories........all kinds of stories

stories about what might happen, what could happen, never what's actually happening, never what's actually real right here and now.
  i'd make all these decisions based on false realities that were completely fictitious worlds my mind had conjured up
i'd make big decisions too, not just little meaningless ones.....great big change everyone's lives decisions
houses...health...kids....realtionships...money



i'm so afraid to trust.
 i'm afraid to love...to be open, vulnerable.....me

so, so afraid of ME

what if i'm wrong?
what if i'm stupid, sideways, backward?
what if i trust?
what if i let them in?

will they hurt me?
tear my heart apart?
destroy me?
 

 

and so I am learning to let go.........slowly and painfully, of the fear that controlled my every move

so...just alittle bit of me
raw
open
honest
just me...............

 



feel something....feel everything

 

 

upside down and sideways

 

the feelings just flood in like tidal waves these days

 

i'm all mixed up....there's a black hole in my chest

with a cold wind blowing through........there's

a knot in my stomach that just slowly twists and turns

all.day.long.

 

pretty much impossible to explain the polarity of the feelings I have these days........angry, elated, nervous, settled, sick, joy, sad, bliss.............

 

rollercoaster........want.to.get.off

 

flicker of flames, hot tea and soft music fill my space tonight.

i'm finding it incredibly difficult to put anything into words right now.

I didn't feel much of anything for the last 5 years and all of a sudden i'm feeling everything.....  it's really overwhelming

 

and the word to perfectly describe me right now just popped into my head

..........uncomfortable.........

 

just uncomfortable

 

don't want to sit through it........don't want to feel it

 

the demons in my head can't help but think

what if this is as good as it gets?

what if this is it?

 

there's no going around........have to go through

 

 

be.

here.

now.

 

 

moments

 

today was a good day.

life has been predictable in a very unpredictable way lately in the pattern my days seem to take on.......good day, bad day, good day, bad day and so on............

 

we cherish the good ones and try to sit through the bad ones.

 

the kids and I have a lot of adjusting to do and it's been the greatest challenge of this whole situation so far.

but today was good. it was better, easier.

we played all day at the children's museum with friends.......at least one kid had a nap....then we had dinner.......made a fire, had hot cocoa and danced.

 

the past few months I've been working hard on just cherishing moments, really stopping and  noticing when there are amazing ones,  not projecting anything into the future or dwelling on the past; just being one hundred percent in that one moment.

 

so, so good

 

i'm really enjoying my little, cozy space I've made here in my new home. I wanted to just post a few really unprofessional iPhone pictures so you could get an idea of my new space. I don't have much stuff but I love it so far. i'll post some pictures later on of the kids rooms and such but here's just a few of the main space.

 

my face is all flushed from good conversation and fire light so i'll say good night for now

 

more to come......

 

surrender

 

 

my chalk board today.......

 

I've really really missed writing............i'm feeling drawn to write in this time

 

I feel like the past year was a huge process for me. a process that ultimately needed to end in surrender. I had been fighting and fighting for so many years to uphold that fantasy that i had created in my mind and i was almost willing to stop at nothing to make sure I succeeded in living in it.

until one day I woke up so far down a black hole of depression i didn't want to live anymore.

the deepest, darkest hole I had ever been in

 and i've been in the trenches many times over the years.

 

and so surrender finally came.......FINALLY

I am not one to surrender to anything. I don't like to admit defeat or that i'm wrong but I was granted the beautiful gift of desperation, true desperation

and I surrendered............completely..........for the first time in my life.

 

and so now..........now i'm awake.

 

at 36 years old i'm rediscovering who I am on a really intense level.

I am realizing that in this elaborate fantasy life I created I scripted it down to every last detail of who I thought I was. well........turns out I actually have no idea who I am......none.

don't know what kind of music I like or what kind of movies I want to see or really what direction i'm heading in at all and it's extremely refreshing actually.

I've been sleeping on the other side of the bed without ear plugs, haven't done that in 14 years. I started drinking my coffee black, because well......why not?

I started listening to all kinds of new music, reading things.......all kinds of things, watching the news. I know that one doesn't seem so abstract but I haven't watched the news in years.

the greatest part......my heart and mind are completely open for once, not jaded by some ideal of who I thought I was "supposed" to be.

every day is a new day, a fresh start, a chance to see more, feel more, and be more.

it's incredibly freeing to not be waking up and shoving myself into some premade mold. just the thought of the possibilities in each day are exciting.

 

but not everything is easy.........

it's 5:42am, cold and dark outside still and i'm drinking some coffee preparing to hand the kids off. so this part so far hasn't gotten easier in the slightest but it's my reality and if I want to keep evolving than i'll figure out how to sit through this and walk through this even though it's extremely uncomfortable.

 

it's sunday.........one of my favorite days........so another adventure begins..........



reality is

 

tonight was halloween.

 yesterday was my first born's 5th birthday.

and so I am now learning how to navigate life and holidays as a single mom.

I really wanted to start writing again but i'm not really sure how to describe what's happening in my life.

it's a roller coaster. it's amazing and heart wrenching all at the same time.

it's interesting because every single thing in my life has seemingly changed completely over the past couple months. I have a new job, a new place to live , a new relationship status, a new situation with my children, so it's hard to even define which thing is making me feel which way.

the hardest thing hands down is not seeing my children as much. it's going to take some major adjusting on my and the kids parts.

but......if I am honest, then you should know that i'm really happy. the circumstances right now are really hard and this is by far the biggest mess I've ever been in but i'm ok.

i'm alive and I can feel things again. i'm starting to delve deeper into who I am and what I want and that's been really really good for me.

 

 

but....it's still hard.......

I snapped this phone pic just before I took the kids out trick or treating tonight and just looking at it makes me want to cry

I want to cry because it's just me and them

I want to cry because my house doesn't yet seem like their house

they look out of place to me

just  makes me want cry

 

 

and little Milton's 5th birthday also a bittersweet celebration.

years ago I was planning big parties with elaborate decorations and now it's just me and them and a store bought cupcake.

 

somehow I am having a really hard time letting go of the fantasy but that's really all it ever was, a fantasy. I had created this make believe world in my mind that never really existed in the first place and ended up being part of the demise of my relationship.

 

I thought I wanted a certain kind of life, a life that actually wasn't mine.

I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed to have this so-called life because most of the things in it didn't even belong to me. they weren't who I was at all but I made up a story in head that I needed to be that person anyway and after years and years of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole I finally realized I couldn't do that anymore. I didn't want to do that anymore and it was killing me.

obviously one of the hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with but also knowing the truth has set me free.

 

 

I guess that's all I have in me tonight.

i'm gonna curl up by the fire and read some before I head off to bed.

i'm really grateful for all of you who I have gotten to know over the years and who continue to love and support me through all this